Part I. 1. A New Path 2. The Road Map 3. Potential Roadblocks 4. Staying on Track Part II. 5. "I don’t want to…" 6. "I miss…" 7. "You love my sister more…" 8. "This is the BEST!" 9. "My tummy hurts…" 10. "I’m not talking to you…" 11. "I’m so bad/stupid…" 12. "You just don’t get it!" 13. "I can’t decide…" 14. "Don’t go to work!" 15. "I got a terrible mark…" 16: "I hate my life!" 17. POW! (Dealing with aggression) 18. "Don’t make me go to Mom’s/Dad’s!" 19, The "Do-Over" 20. "You’re too soft! & You’re too hard!" 21. "Why are you talking to me like that?" Part III. 22. New Directions 23. Practical Resources 24. Recommended Readings
Adele Lafrance, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, research scientist, and co-developer of Emotion-Focused Family Therapy. She offers workshops for the general public and mental health agencies worldwide.
Ashley Miller, MD, is a child psychiatrist at BC Children’s Hospital and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia where she is co-director of family therapy training for psychiatry residents.
"What to Say to Kids When Nothing Seems to Work is exactly the
guide that frazzled and over-extended parents need for handling
tough moments with kids. This book allows us to analyze our own
behavior and to see things from a kid's perspective, avoiding the
knee-jerk response all of us parents later regret. Today’s parents
are often stretched very thin and running on empty, and this book
can be a great help." - John Gottman, author of The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work"This is a book every parent
should read! It is a down-to-earth, clear, and creative guide for
those moments when all parents feel defeated and demoralized. And
it's fun to read. It will help you reach for your best parenting
self in difficult moments and keep that loving bond with your child
growing." - Dr Sue Johnson, researcher, professor, and bestselling
author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of
Love"Read this book so that you can learn to read your children,
responding not to their words, manner, or behaviour, but to the
hidden emotional messages they are sending you. Parenting wisdom
for those who want to connect with their children on the heart
level." - Gabor Maté M.D., co-author, Hold On To Your Kids: Why
Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers"Ashley Miller and Adele
Lafrance have created a superb guide to parenting. Their guidance
is grounded in well-established, evidence-based principles of
parenting, offered in an engaging and enlightening way full of
illustrative examples. They speak to the sorts of problems all
parents encounter; most especially, those moments when children and
adolescents don’t want to talk about issues in need of discussion.
Their advice will surely prove useful across the widest range of
parenting and co-parenting situations, from everyday matters
through times of crisis. This book should be in every parent’s
home." - Jay Lebow, Ph.D., ABPP, senior therapist, senior scholar,
and clinical professor, The Family Institute at Northwestern,
Evanston, IL, USA"Keep it simple. Reduce the outside chatter and
reconnect with your instincts as a parent. That is what this book
can offer. Full of scenarios depicting familiar situations with
simple, doable solutions, this book provides gentle reminders on
how to focus on what positive OUTCOMES you want. Practicing these
thoughtfully written scripts will ease your mind and create long
term skills that can be used in your day to day life. What a
relief." - Mara St. Onge, founder of Blingja Concepts and author of
Blingja, The Mindful Adventurer Ninja"I highly recommend this
excellent resource to parents or guardians raising children of all
ages. Dr. Ashley Miller and Dr. Adele Lafrance are both leading
experts in their respective fields. Their experience is clearly
demonstrated in this book, through their ability to break down
complex situations, providing information in an easy-to-use format,
and above all providing clear, concrete examples. This book helps
us to understand different types of behaviour (‘building a
bridge’), what to say (‘putting it into words’) and how to put it
all together (‘getting practical’) - just what we need!" - Andrew
Tugwell, MPH, director of Health Promotion & Prevention, BC
Children’s Hospital"One might wonder how Ashley Miller and Adele
Lafrance could possibly tell us ‘what to say when nothing seems to
work’, since we can think of countless situations when we parents
have that experience. They would certainly fail if they focused on
each specific behavior and possible associated reasons for it and
consequences to give. Instead, these authors focus on where we get
stuck (our ‘knee jerk reactions’ and ‘common pitfalls’) as well as
what we tend to overlook (our child’s mind along with our own) and
present a way forward—a script that reaches into all manner of
situations that are proving to be extra challenging. They show us
how to build a bridge to the child’s mind, develop possible
emotional translations for what we discover in our child, and put
our discoveries into practical words that lead our child to feeling
understood and being more willing to join us in a way that works
for us both. Miller and Lafrance suggest possible scripts for a
great many situations, while encouraging us parents to adapt them
for our unique child and family. As a bonus, they offer scripts
that might be of value in bridge-building with our partner too.
After all, all family relationships are likely to become tricky and
messy. This is a good book to take with us on our journey as we try
to ‘get it right’ as well as to engage in the ‘do-overs’ that will
certainly be necessary. This is a note of gratitude to these
authors for their clearly written and oh-so-practical book for
parents everywhere." - Dan Hughes, Ph.D., founder of Dyadic
Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and author of many books
including Attachment Focused Parenting: Building the Bonds of
Attachment (3rd Ed.)"In this wonderful book for parents, Drs.
Miller and Lafrance share the fruits of attachment theory and
neuroscience to respond to those parenting situations when things
get tough. Blending their clinical experience with their own humble
and relatable real-life experience as parents and (imperfect) human
beings, they remind us that the most precious gift we can offer for
children (and ourselves) is our unconditional loving presence. Not
satisfied to stop there, they go on to share practical strategies
and language that can be applied today, to rebuild and repair the
bridge with our children, as well as with ourselves and our
co-parent(s)." - Dzung X.Vo, M.D., author of The Mindful Teen:
Powerful Skills to Help You Handle Stress One Moment at a
Time"Wisdom is scarce and even common sense is not that common, but
both are to be found in abundance in this gem of a book by Miller
and Lafrance. Offering both a conceptual framework and practical
suggestions, this book provides much needed answers for how to
respond supportively and constructively to a wide variety of
potentially tricky interactions with children. From day to day
interactions, to coping with difficult emotions or tough questions,
to handling moments of crisis such as a child who experiences a
loss - raising a child can often feel like walking through a
minefield. Parents will find that the advice of Miller and Lafrance
provides a uniquely effective map for navigating through it. The
personal tone, rich vignettes, and charming illustrations make the
book especially relatable and easy to read. This is surely one for
every parent’s bookshelf!" - Eli R. Lebowitz, associate professor
in the Child Study Center, Yale School of Medicine"Given the rising
trends of childhood stress, anxiety, and addiction, we need
practical communication tools that will help nurture healthy,
connected parent-child relationships. This book does just that!
Read it, try the techniques, and enjoy the discovery of who your
child really is." – Dr. Shimi Kang, MD, psychiatrist, author of The
Dolphin Parent and The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for
Kids Growing Up in a Digital World.
"What to Say to Kids When Nothing Seems to Work is exactly the
guide that frazzled and over-extended parents need for handling
tough moments with kids. This book allows us to analyze our own
behavior and to see things from a kid's perspective, avoiding the
knee-jerk response all of us parents later regret. Today’s parents
are often stretched very thin and running on empty, and this book
can be a great help." - John Gottman, author of The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work "This is a book every parent
should read! It is a down-to-earth, clear, and creative guide for
those moments when all parents feel defeated and demoralized. And
it's fun to read. It will help you reach for your best parenting
self in difficult moments and keep that loving bond with your child
growing." - Dr Sue Johnson, researcher, professor, and bestselling
author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of
Love"Read this book so that you can learn to read your children,
responding not to their words, manner, or behaviour, but to the
hidden emotional messages they are sending you. Parenting wisdom
for those who want to connect with their children on the heart
level." - Gabor Maté M.D., co-author, Hold On To Your Kids: Why
Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers"Ashley Miller and Adele
Lafrance have created a superb guide to parenting. Their guidance
is grounded in well-established, evidence-based principles of
parenting, offered in an engaging and enlightening way full of
illustrative examples. They speak to the sorts of problems all
parents encounter; most especially, those moments when children and
adolescents don’t want to talk about issues in need of discussion.
Their advice will surely prove useful across the widest range of
parenting and co-parenting situations, from everyday matters
through times of crisis. This book should be in every parent’s
home." - Jay Lebow, Ph.D., ABPP, senior therapist, senior scholar,
and clinical professor, The Family Institute at Northwestern,
Evanston, IL, USA"Keep it simple. Reduce the outside chatter and
reconnect with your instincts as a parent. That is what this book
can offer. Full of scenarios depicting familiar situations with
simple, doable solutions, this book provides gentle reminders on
how to focus on what positive OUTCOMES you want. Practicing these
thoughtfully written scripts will ease your mind and create long
term skills that can be used in your day to day life. What a
relief." - Mara St. Onge, founder of Blingja Concepts and author of
Blingja, The Mindful Adventurer Ninja"I highly recommend this
excellent resource to parents or guardians raising children of all
ages. Dr. Ashley Miller and Dr. Adele Lafrance are both leading
experts in their respective fields. Their experience is clearly
demonstrated in this book, through their ability to break down
complex situations, providing information in an easy-to-use format,
and above all providing clear, concrete examples. This book helps
us to understand different types of behaviour (‘building a
bridge’), what to say (‘putting it into words’) and how to put it
all together (‘getting practical’) - just what we need!" - Andrew
Tugwell, MPH, director of Health Promotion & Prevention, BC
Children’s Hospital"One might wonder how Ashley Miller and Adele
Lafrance could possibly tell us ‘what to say when nothing seems to
work’, since we can think of countless situations when we parents
have that experience. They would certainly fail if they focused on
each specific behavior and possible associated reasons for it and
consequences to give. Instead, these authors focus on where we get
stuck (our ‘knee jerk reactions’ and ‘common pitfalls’) as well as
what we tend to overlook (our child’s mind along with our own) and
present a way forward—a script that reaches into all manner of
situations that are proving to be extra challenging. They show us
how to build a bridge to the child’s mind, develop possible
emotional translations for what we discover in our child, and put
our discoveries into practical words that lead our child to feeling
understood and being more willing to join us in a way that works
for us both. Miller and Lafrance suggest possible scripts for a
great many situations, while encouraging us parents to adapt them
for our unique child and family. As a bonus, they offer scripts
that might be of value in bridge-building with our partner too.
After all, all family relationships are likely to become tricky and
messy. This is a good book to take with us on our journey as we try
to ‘get it right’ as well as to engage in the ‘do-overs’ that will
certainly be necessary. This is a note of gratitude to these
authors for their clearly written and oh-so-practical book for
parents everywhere." - Dan Hughes, Ph.D., founder of Dyadic
Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and author of many books
including Attachment Focused Parenting: Building the Bonds of
Attachment (3rd Ed.)"In this wonderful book for parents, Drs.
Miller and Lafrance share the fruits of attachment theory and
neuroscience to respond to those parenting situations when things
get tough. Blending their clinical experience with their own humble
and relatable real-life experience as parents and (imperfect) human
beings, they remind us that the most precious gift we can offer for
children (and ourselves) is our unconditional loving presence. Not
satisfied to stop there, they go on to share practical strategies
and language that can be applied today, to rebuild and repair the
bridge with our children, as well as with ourselves and our
co-parent(s)." - Dzung X.Vo, M.D., author of The Mindful Teen:
Powerful Skills to Help You Handle Stress One Moment at a
Time"Wisdom is scarce and even common sense is not that common, but
both are to be found in abundance in this gem of a book by Miller
and Lafrance. Offering both a conceptual framework and practical
suggestions, this book provides much needed answers for how to
respond supportively and constructively to a wide variety of
potentially tricky interactions with children. From day to day
interactions, to coping with difficult emotions or tough questions,
to handling moments of crisis such as a child who experiences a
loss - raising a child can often feel like walking through a
minefield. Parents will find that the advice of Miller and Lafrance
provides a uniquely effective map for navigating through it. The
personal tone, rich vignettes, and charming illustrations make the
book especially relatable and easy to read. This is surely one for
every parent’s bookshelf!" - Eli R. Lebowitz, associate professor
in the Child Study Center, Yale School of Medicine"Given the rising
trends of childhood stress, anxiety, and addiction, we need
practical communication tools that will help nurture healthy,
connected parent-child relationships. This book does just that!
Read it, try the techniques, and enjoy the discovery of who your
child really is." – Dr. Shimi Kang, MD, psychiatrist, author of The
Dolphin Parent and The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for
Kids Growing Up in a Digital World.
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